The struggle

My recent posts have been mainly me trying to talk some sense into myself and making sense of my feelings. Sorry if they don’t make sense. In essence, all my posts are a direct stream of thoughts that I just blurb out onto my keyboard. That said, I hope this will be the final post about all this because I’m sure anyone reading these are probably sick of it like I am. But I just want to, just NEED to, get this out. 

I’m crying right now. Why? Because I feel as though…there’s this…war..inside me. I want to do everything I said in the last post. I want to come out of that shell. I’ll need to do it someday. But it’s so freaking hard. I can’t forgive myself. I’m disappointed with myself. Failing might not be a big thing to some people, but for me, it’s a first and it’s as though I’ve finally opened the door to all the pressure of being a failure. I’m a failure at life. I fail at being a member of my family because I think differently. I fail at being a friend because of my mistakes. I fail at being a person to depend on because of my emotional attachments. I fail at being a better person because of my indifference. But you can’t measure that. In school, marks are everything. Marks determine your success, the teacher’s liking of you, the amount of work you put in, your friends, the university you get into, and more. My marks are not necessarily high but they are usually above average. I’ve worked hard for those marks. All those late nights…doing the best I can even if it means an allnighter. I’m willing to sacrifice so much for my marks. People say I’m smart and I hate it. I don’t think of myself as or feel “smart”. There’s tons of people who do better than me and don’t have to study so hard. Being labelled “smart” in my opinion is a huge weight on the shoulders. People begin to have expectations, high expectations. You get put on a pedestal. I just want to fit in. And, parents always say how I could’ve done better, should’ve studied earlier, would’ve gotten even higher marks. I contemplated so many times of just not studying and showing them how badly I COULD do so they could understand that I’m not just naturally getting those marks. But of course, my perfectionist personality comes out and I can’t fail. And now that I have, everything just comes crashing down.

I think I’ve always been dealing with depression ever since my grandma passed away two years ago. That winter, I had the “winter blues” that just never left. Sure, I can be happy and love life, but when it’s just me and my blanket, I’m crying myself to sleep. I guess my happy face is good enough for people, and I don’t always have to fake it, but people don’t notice. My family doesn’t notice. Except it’s gotten worse. I can’t act around them 24/7. I lash out. I’m easily pissed off at home. I can’t help it. And they just keep piling on the feelings of failure. Scolding me for everything. That’s how it always is. I can’t do anything right. They don’t like me going out with my friends, they don’t like my choice of friends, they don’t understand me. Now..they’ve seen just a glimpse of what I feel inside. I’ve reached out to my friends as anchors, but when wave after wave hits, it’s just too much energy to reach out. When more things happened last year, I withdrew. I lost a lot of friends at that time. I began to feel like giving up. Life was tiring. 

It got slightly better when I got admitted into pharmacy. I had something to prove to people that I was worth something. Then this happened. Thinking of my friends, I don’t even know who to confide in. Who wouldn’t judge me. My two best friends who I know for sure wouldn’t are sadly early sleepers. I’ve pushed the friends I had too far away and the new friends I made I kept at a distance. I know i need something to distract myself, but that night, I couldn’t even enjoy my favourite pastime of making polymer clay charms. I was scared. There was a knife and x-acto knife I use for cutting the clay. I’m scared of pain, so I would not hurt myself. But I can’t help but think about dying. To just die in my sleep would be great. I knew I had to get out. But at the same time I didn’t want to. It’s the worst I’ve felt second to my grandma’s passing. I’ve been having to act when forced to go out. Some people even look up to me for goodness sake. But I’m not strong like they think I am. I can’t even get over failing a test!! I just can’t. 

It’s Christmas Eve now. It doesn’t even feel like Christmas is here. The snow, the decor, nothing. I thought I could distract myself and go to an evening of Christmas music but then there was this whole fight with my family about this dinner commitment they made for my dad’s friend. Going there and doing nothing in the midst of everyone would be so painful. I wouldn’t even be able to cry. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will help. I know that it’s something I’ll have to work out with myself, but right now, I just want someone to care about me beyond the polite “how are you”. I’m not ok. 

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