I should’ve been a turtle instead of a human. I love hiding in the comfort of a shell whether it be metaphorically or literally. I also run from all my problems and “hide”. I haven’t learned how to stand my ground and face my problems. Like my feelings of failure, I ended up doing nothing and stay in bed for two days, curling up in the dark and crying. I felt so lost because I found my shell, the comfort of my blanket in my bed, and didn’t know how to get out of it. It’s a big world out there. Today, I had to force myself out of that “place” and go to work. It was a long day and hectic, but it helped me to somewhat get out of that shell and be able to even talk about my marks as a family. I told my parents, but we hadn’t discussed it. (Yeah I actually tell my parents my marks, good and bad!) I guess actually interacting with people took my mind off of the focus of beating myself up. I know no one’s perfect, and I’m definitely not perfect. But, there’s still this stupid part of me that just wants to be “good enough” aka perfect. It’s good to have an ambition and goals, but food for thought: what do you do when you fail to reach those goals? Do you make new goals? Lower your expectations? Strive even harder? Go crazy? Give up? Cry in a hole? These questions have been whirling around in my head. I feel as though I’m a toddler who’s been crawling and feeling confident about it, scared to walk. I’ve taken a few steps, but I’ve fallen and found it hard to get up so I’ve resorted to sucking my thumb and just sitting there (or something like that). It’s a steep learning curve when you fall down/fail. I’m sure everyone will fail a test in their lifetime or fail at something. It’s only the beginning. And I have to remind myself that I don’t have all the time in the world to curl up in a ball and rot by myself. I’ve got family and friends to care about, a job to do, education to finish, and a career and life ahead of me. Everyone’s days are numbered. How we use it…now that’s a different story. It’s not going to be easy, but I can’t run away from everything. At least I got the first step out of the way, a taste of actual failure. Bittersweet.
PS: I know my feelings are like a bouncing ball, same with my thoughts. Sorry! I don’t have anything to say except…I AM a female…?!