Dying inside.

My first failed test in my life. I can’t explain how I’m feeling inside. It’s like I feel like the whole life of mine has crashed into a wall of cement plastered with failure all over it. I lost the drive. I think that the extra expectation from everyone else for me to do well built that wall to be a stronghold. Granted the test was the 3rd of 3 exams in 3 days and left me one day to study, but there are no excuses. I could have better used my time, got on top of things during the term, and done better. At least the class is a two term course, so I can still make up for it. It doesn’t matter that I have a chronic headache. I don’t care. I have yet to cry (I’ll leave that for my ‘cry myself to sleep’ episode), but I’ve been crying inside all day. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t know how to deal with this new feeling.

After finding out 3 more of my marks. I barely passed the final for one and ended up with a final mark below average. It’s so depressing to think how it’s my first course below average. I don’t know whether it discourages and brings down my expectations or encourages me to work harder, it’s scary. The other 2 marks were A+, but that does little to console my feelings. I can’t help but dwell on the bad things. It’s always easier to feel the rain than find the rainbow! I just feel like such a failure. Everyone says I’m smart, hardworking, etc, but I’m not! Here’s to prove it!!! I just want to dig a hole and sleep forever. My headache is killing me since last nights crying. Not getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s even snowing outside. I feel so lonely in my sadness.

The only thing that made me smile in the last 24 hours is this blog, surprisingly. It’s officially been a year since I first started this blog. And I also passed 1000 views. It’s crazy just thinking about it. I never expected to even have any views, with the sole purpose of just getting out these thoughts, but I hope that maybe whoever is reading these posts can relate and find my perspective helpful or interesting to say the least. I guess the conclusion of this post and my black hole is that there’s always some sort of light at the end of every tunnel, though it may be small and far from the exit. That little light might be just enough to keep you going until you reach the end of the tunnel or find a way to keep going.

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