I hate the way I am

Recently, I’ve been very easily irritated, almost to the point where I’m constantly irritated. Most of the time at nothing, really. I think it began after my headaches came this past summer. It’s really hard dealing with people, school, life (basically everything) while you have a constant headache that’s been there for who knows how many days. It’s torturous. I’m sorry to my family for the way I’ve been acting towards them. I’m not mad at them as I seem to be, but I can’t control it sometimes and snap at them. I think the person who’s had it the worse is my dad. I love my dad. He’s my role model and other than the times when he’s so annoying, he’s the best dad in the world. Sure, he’s overprotective which can be very annoying, but it’s because in his eyes I’ll always be the baby girl learning how to walk. He’s been through a lot of hardship in his family and I keep telling myself that I want to make our family something different, where people don’t bully him and take advantage of his kindness. He tries his best to give us the best of everything. He also has the same personality as I do, so I know how he feels. We aren’t good at expressing the love type of feelings in words. And words also hurt the most. It’s heartwrenching when I see myself act this way and so many things I wish I could shove back into my mouth and swallow and watch them dissipate in my stomach acid. (Sorry its like 4 in the morning and I’m going crazy from all the studying for my finals this week. Btw, I didn’t have time to finish my other post but basically, my last post is like garbage now because I ended up having to activate the iPhone the day after I wrote it…the billing started once it was shipped. Maybe my headaches are caused by all the craziness going on in my head! ANYWAYS.) I wish I had the patience and gentle demeanor that I can put on when I’m in public. It’s tiring to have that mask on when I’m tired, stressed, and with a headache, but they’re the people who mean more than the public any old day. Sure, they can piss me off sometimes and they don’t seem to understand me, but they love me and will always be there for me. TobyMac’s “Family” really makes me want to try my best to not ruin what I have. It’s easier for me and my brother to patch things up since we talk the most and there’s so much fights between us that they go as easily as they come. Staying up with him til early in the morning, those honest drowsy conversations are so precious. I do love my family. I’m just really bad at displaying it. I feel like a prickly porcupine trying to hug them. I hope that the little things I’m able to do (like stay up with my brother) will show them that I’m trying to change. I’m trying to learn how to love them and show my appreciation, because I do love and appreciate them. Now it’s back to studying! Got 3 finals in a row this week, two with lots of memorizing and then two more the week after. I’m going to die…

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