Recently, I’ve been getting little to no sleep and staying up studying, doing all the pre-readings that no one else reads, or just busying myself. I go to sleep thinking what it would feel like if I passed away in my sleep. Due to the lack of sleep and the stress I have from school and from myself, my migraines are back. I kind of just accept them but they can be a real pain in the butt. The good news is that they’re not as intense and constant as they were the last time thank God. Otherwise, I really think I would have to withdraw from school and start finding a way to start selling those polymer clay things I make. But honestly, I worry about the headaches. I don’t think I’ll be able to survive the rest of my life with them..and to think of things that may be even more stressful to come. Oy, I don’t know what to do. As I do whenever I feel stressed out or defeated, I withdraw.
This time, I chose to withdraw from reality and immerse myself into music; to be more specific, c-pop. Chinese pop. Ask me a few months ago and that would be the last on my list of favourite music genres, well maybe second to last in front of heavy metal. It just didn’t sound “right” and would be kind of annoying. And I guess as a kid I was just trying to fit in with the norm of English music. I don’t know why but I’ve become so addicted to listening to Chinese music…it weirds me out too. Well, I AM asian…but what drew me in first was Leehom Wang. He mixed Western with Eastern styles into what he calls “chinked out” music. Maybe because I’m a Chinese Canadian, but this type of music really hit the right spot with a Western feel with Chinese lyrics. I then explored a bit with some R&B type of Chinese songs. It didn’t hurt that the singers were hot too! My understanding of Chinese has also improved as I try to figure out what the lyrics mean. I feel as though the inner part of me is using this to try to understand myself, finding my identity as a Chinese Canadian student pharmacist. I really don’t feel as though I fit in anywhere.
I’ve been told that I’m antisocial. It’s pretty subjective I guess. I’m viewed as “quiet” to people who don’t know me or don’t take the time to know me. My best friends and family know me as the crazy bubbly girl who’s thoughts get pretty wonky. Thus all these weird blog posts eh. But as I’m trying to win this mind game against myself for the want to escape and withdraw, I purposely set up hang outs with my friends. And no, I’m not antisocial, thank you very much. My parents were against it but I need to do it for my own sanity and well-being. So today I just ended up shopping with a friend and let me tell you, retail therapy DOES work. Same with ice cream. I can’t wait for more hangouts this coming week!
However, life wasn’t so awesome today before the hangout, since life is like a Yo-Yo. You know that feeling when you feel so defeated? Not only are you harboring a tornado inside from your emotions from relationships and conflicts but now you also get mocked by your results. I got my midterm mark back and this is the first time I did below average and I feel so disappointed in myself. Almost as if I failed the test. I failed myself. I failed my parents. Funny thing is that there always seems to be a very fine line between wanting to do better and just wanting to give up. Being someone who never gives up and would do anything to prove it to myself that I can do better, of course I won’t give up. But I doubt myself. I feel so overwhelmed with everything and I’m so tired fighting against myself…I just want to escape. The date with my friend today, ice cream, and shopping really helped and I feel like that little bit of energy and support is just enough for me to keep going.
Like the little engine that could, I think I can go through this and if I think I can, I can…something like that?