As my mom and I stepped out the door to the car this morning, we panicked since the windows were all frosted up and we were running a tad late. I remember all those cold winter days when we would be late for class due to all the frost that had built up on the windows of the car requiring us to scrape it off holding cards in our frozen fingers. Luckily, it wasn’t that cold yet and it was merely water that was not yet frozen. However, I had almost hoped for the frost to be icy and hard. Frost is quite a beautiful act of nature. The warm layer of condensation that accumulates on the car that had just been back from a long drive freezes into intricate patterns of snowflakes. A cold covering over the car, a hard exterior. Similarly, I feel as though my winter blues create a cold wall of frost around me, covering all that could be remotely warm.
As I grow older, I feel as though my exterior becomes more and more like a frosted window. Careful of the people around me, especially who I let into my life and who I allow to see the inside me beyond the frost. It gets quite cold and lonely I must say, but I can’t help it. I’ve experienced and seen what happens when you give too much of yourself and nothing is returned or you get hurt. It feels like I’ve lost my childhood innocence. It’s hard. I don’t want to have frosted windows all the time but sometimes its just so cold and the walls come up. It’s much easier being alone and dwelling in self pity than trying to put up a fake happy front. I used to live for everyone else’s expectations but it’s just so tiring to play that role when the expectations just get higher and higher. However, as a future pharmacist, the walls have got to come down as I’ll be dealing with patients everyday that I have to care for and provide help for. Defrosting daily is a tough and tedious task but it’s something that I need, something that I know has to be done.
And like the crazy weather which can change from sun to snow in a few hours, the walls can come up and down at any moment, with certain people and certain things that happen. Sometimes those can’t be controlled but other times, I feel as though my brain is the control center of keeping those walls up. It’s easy for me to think “I’m lonely” “I got no one” “My life sucks” “Why me?!” while pushing everyone away. It’s also just as easy for me to reach out to a friend and tear down those walls or do something that can help release my emotions and break open the gates. The walls can only be as strong or as weak as we build them to be. As cliche as it sounds, you can always look on the bright side. No one is a perfect optimist or a perfect pessimist. Some people may be more of one than another, but our mind is a powerful weapon. Our emotions are based on our thoughts. Depending on how we see a situation, the walls can come up in response or be non-existent. I find that many times, little things can easily cause my mind to slide into an avalanche of thoughts about how life sucks and all my regrets and mistakes come crashing down on me, building unpenetrable walls leading to a flood of tears on the inside. It could be seeing something that triggers a memory or hearing an emotional song or feeling down after bad exam. However, my friend recently reminded me that one’s emotional states is controlled by the mind. We can make ourselves as depressed as we want and we can also make ourselves happy if we wanted to. Instead of thinking about the cold thoughts, thinking about sunny thoughts like the joys of the days or things you’re thankful for can defrost those windows. It’s not an easy task but is definitely a doable task. Thinking positive really does help. Put down those walls, turn up the temperature, and don’t let frost cover that beautiful car.