Recently, I’ve been “busy” with nothing. School has been so surreal for me. I still can’t believe that in 4 years, I’ll become a pharmacist. Tomorrow is the white coat ceremony and we’ll be legitly “cloaked” to be a student pharmacist. Yet despite all this excitement in starting a new chapter of life, I feel a heavy sadness. The worries and stress of school and my wish to do well is so overwhelming.
Or maybe its just the early winter blues I get every year. When the weather gets cold and rainy, all I want to do is stay in bed and escape into dreamland. It feels as though everyone is excited for the new school year and new possibilities. I just don’t know why I don’t feel the same. Instead, I feel as though I just want to withdraw into hibernation and wait until life gets better. To be honest, life currently isn’t even that bad. It just feels as though there is a dark rain cloud cloaking me. Like a black hole pulling me from the outside in. I recently engrossed myself into this drama. It seems to be a pattern, feeling depressed then wanting, hoping, wishing to distract myself into the complex fake world of dramas. Seeing how the characters deal with their problems and watching their interactions with their loved ones almost fulfills my yearning. What am I yearning for? Happiness and success? Or am I yearning for something to fill the deep hole I dug in my heart? Both? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that this tug of war of feelings in me makes me not feel myself. Like I’m watching the world go by on a TV screen. I don’t know how to get out of this, I guess time will heal all things. Emotional attachment has always been my weakness.