Long story short, you can’t. Well…one can always act. I’m really fidgety, especially in nervewracking situations; not a good thing for the upcoming pharmacy interview! I also have a tendency to hunch my shoulders and camouflage with the wallpaper. I don’t like being in the spotlight. One thing I CAN do is act. I have to act confident even if I don’t feel confident. All the walls I’ve put up to enclose myself, it can’t be much harder than that right? But again, habits are hard to break. I can only pray that for those two hours, I can relax and put on the best show of my life.
So with all these thoughts about the interview and school on top of that, I’ve been worrying and stressing to the extreme. Today, after an in-class quiz, I felt like I couldn’t get anything right; it was just too much. After class, on the way home, I got off at the stop with my friend who was going to a bagelry (never knew they had such things!) and instead of waiting for the bus that could take me home, I decided, needed, to walk. It didn’t matter that I only had 3 hours of sleep and was dead tired, I just plugged in my earphones and walked. I walked for 5 km. I walked until my ankle hurt. I wasn’t tired even though I had an extra 5 pounds carrying my laptop in my backpack and walked an hour straight in flip flops. Walking helped clear my thoughts. I felt so lost. There was this flood of emotions that I just put in the back of my mind and focused on walking, walking, walking. It was almost like I was in a daze and didn’t know what to do but keep walking. I don’t know how many people and shops I passed, but I can’t remember. I watched buses pass me but just kept walking. Honestly, I am lost. I don’t know how to prioritize my time. Prepare for the interview or study harder knowing that I might not even achieve the results I want? All these thoughts have been bottled inside of me. I feel like no one will understand. There’s just so much to think about. All the possible questions and answers for the scenarios, all the reaction mechanisms and all the other things I have to finish. This is a really bad attribute, but I like to avoid. When life gets hard, I avoid. I avoid the hard things and use my time and energy elsewhere. In this case, I feel like just sleeping and not waking up so I don’t have to deal with either of the two pending tasks. But I can’t. The only thing that allows me to look forward and smile is the sunshine and good weather. I can’t wait for this week to be over!