It’s been super busy the past two weeks with assignments and midterms. You cannot believe how many posts I’ve started but have never found the time to finish. Some I even didn’t want to finish. But, this time, I really need to get this out. Getting it out will hopefully make me believe it, give me the willpower to follow through.
So, back in highschool, there was always the notion of university life being full of partying or intense studying, making new friends, and of course, gaining those 15 pounds. I never worried about my weight before. I was always tiny, especially when compared to my bigger and taller younger brother. However, now that I’ve been gaining weight, although not 15 pounds, it’s made me wonder why. Why do people gain 15 pounds? I’ve been at a stable weight for who knows how long. Is it the stress? The lack of stress? The lack of self-control? A little background about me: I eat when I’m stressed. When I’m studying, I have to eat. When I’m upset, I eat. It doesn’t help that my mom would bring me snacks whenever I’m studying. It does help me focus on studying in some weird way, but after thinking about it, there’s more to my stress-eating habits than that.
I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser with my brother, our first season watching it. We were watching the episode about facing our fears, and it really got me. We all have fears. How we deal with the fears is the biggest difference in our lives. I’m scared of failure, as mentioned in a previous post. My fear of failure is making me eat, in a very unhealthy way I should add. I’m not any different that the contestants are. I eat to fill that void. I feel so disgusted when I’m stuffing myself with junk food and drinking pop, but I just feel that NEED to eat. After hearing “Forgiveness” by TobyMac, I realized where my eating habits might be originating from. I began this when I was in highschool, but it has never led to weight gain. Now that I have gained weight, it made me think back to when I began noticing the change. I believe it was around the second round of midterms, around November. I had been a companion to a senior at the senior home I volunteered at a year ago. She had dementia, but I really enjoyed our visits and you could tell she did too. In a way, she became a grandmotherly figure to me. She always told me to roll up my sleeves, asked me when I was going to cut the hair that kept dropping in front of my eyes, and taught me how important relationships are to people. She had complained to her daughters that she was lonely; she was scared of being lonely. Somehow, in 6 short months, she had gotten herself into a dear place in my heart. Then, suddenly, she was gone. It broke my heart. I regretted so badly not having visited her that Sunday morning. It didn’t help that my grandmother had also passed away at a similar time two years before. That was one of the hardest crashes to reality that I ever had, and this one wasn’t much different. Both carried so much regret; of what I could have done but didn’t do. I believe that it’s my inability to forgive myself that has led to this “void” in which I’ve been attempting to fill with food. It didn’t help that a few months before that, I had lost a close friend. I can never forgive myself for any of those. I’ve lost count of those sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, and trying to sleep away the pain. I feel like no one understands what I feel, so there’s no use turning to someone. It’s the burden I gave myself to carry. Watching the contestants come to terms with themselves and forgiving themself, loving themself, it made me want what they have. I have to be willing to forgive myself. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiving is accepting the mistake and changing because of it, no longer beating myself up over it.
A goal I’ve given myself is to exercise more, and get myself back to my former weight. My weight’s not even important to me, but I think that I need to be more healthy, or I will be on a one-way road to a never-ending cycle. There. I’ve said it. I’m hurting myself by eating and making myself feel bad because I can’t forgive myself for those regrets and I can’t go back to change the way things happened. I need to focus on the future and what I’ve learnt from all this. I can forgive myself and be on a road to a healthy life and find healthy ways of dealing with stress from school, etc. As a small step in that direction, I’m going to be walking more from a farther bus stop and doing sit ups. I’ve always wanted abs ;P